Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
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People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.