My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
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I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
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MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait