My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
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My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!