Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
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Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
c’mon!
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.