Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
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Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
They did not think through this water fountain
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.