[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
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In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.