Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
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It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Leaving the Barbers like
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.