me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
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Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Now this is how you LinkedIn
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
lost dog
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.