You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
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when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital