I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
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*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
real
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
🙄😏😂🤣
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Dammit Chief not again
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.