I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
You Might Also Like
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
me, too, girl. me, too.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?