If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
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Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Every BBC series about the universe.
Cucumbers Anonymous
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.