I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
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Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Something Saturday.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for