My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
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STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
O Wise One….
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Good morning
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.