my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
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The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
never forget
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???