*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
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Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
oh my god
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄