I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
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Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Hank is one in a melon.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class