Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
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It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
October already? What’s next? November????
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT