*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
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I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
My inexpensive home security system…
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*