Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
You Might Also Like
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
groan^2
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.