I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
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My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.