Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
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Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts