Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
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I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Duolingo getting serious.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.