Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
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still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
And now we wait
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.