“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
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I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
The Birdles
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.