Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
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Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Seems a bit forward
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
This story is comedy gold 😂
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway