*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
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If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.