imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
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Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.