I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
You Might Also Like
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
incredible text to wake up to
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”