“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
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I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.