My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
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20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
huge valentines day plans this year!!
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
screw you
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Writing, She Murdered.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.