Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
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I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Netflix and you sit over there.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice