saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
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Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Scream sneezers need love too.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee