4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
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So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?