Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
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50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
I enjoy a good short stor
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?