If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
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My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.