Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
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What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.