I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
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Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.