If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
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Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Why are bridges so flammable.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
this is so top tier i cant
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
My inexpensive home security system…
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it