NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
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We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
A new level of troll.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.