The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
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I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog