I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
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[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
The best shot in the history of golf
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”