Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
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Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian