*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
You Might Also Like
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up