What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
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Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too