If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
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Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
mmm onion ringos
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.