I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
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Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Why I divorced her.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?