When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
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How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*