After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
You Might Also Like
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
consequences, the bane of my existence
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Oh no
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?