Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
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My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
what it’s like dating me:
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
? 💀
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby